Warren G. Harding: Another Dumb President
We’re not saying Warren Harding was our dumbest president, but he didn’t even know how to clear brush.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but he thought the three branches of government were Larry, Moe & Curly.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but you don’t want to know what he thought a “pocket veto” was. Ick.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but he thought the Supreme Court was someplace you played tennis that had extra cheese and double pepperoni.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but he thought Teapot Dome was where the Georgetown Hoyas played.
We’re not saying Warren G. Harding was dumb, but he thought the Lincoln Memorial was a cemetery in Nebraska.
Osaka: A City Somewhere, Supposedly
Osaka is the second largest city in Japan, which means it has the second largest Godzilla in Japan, Gordonzilla.
Gordonzilla is only twelve feet tall. He can’t breathe fire; in fact, his breath is minty-fresh. Gordonzilla tries to menace Osaka like Godzilla does Tokyo, but he mainly does this by spray-painting “Gordonzilla Rules!” on public buildings and scratching his name into the windows of the bullet train.
Sometimes, one of Gordonzilla’s small, non-threatening fellow monsters comes to Osaka to fight him. Gameronald is a flying turtle who’s only four feet across, while Mothroger is easily swattable with a newspaper.
Really, Gordonzilla is more of a nuisance than a threat. Forget we even mentioned him.
Shenzhou 5: Chinese In Space!
In 2003, the Chinese launched their first man into space, Yang Liwei (hence the new slogan for the Chinese space program, “It’s Liwei or the highway!”).
Yang Liwei was in space for a whopping 21 hours. While impressive, he could have like, driven from LA to Portland in 21 hours, assuming he went at least 75 or 80 most of the way. And when he was done, he would have been in Portland! How cool is that? He could have gone to Powell’s Books, and Reading Frenzy, and Jackpot Records, no to mention that store where they put a bird on it.
But instead, Liwei splashed down in the middle of the ocean somewhere. And really, what is there to do in the middle of the ocean all by yourself when you’re sealed up in approximately four cubic feet of space? No, not that–not enough room to wriggle out of his spacesuit, and no easy-access flap. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Disalmanac Podcast 026: John Adams (with Eli Braden)
This week: fact-like facts about John Adams. He was president a long, long time ago. Also, he was Paul Revere’s wing man, so Paul could get with the fine, foxy colonial ladies. Awwww yeah.
And stay tuned for a Random Bonus Fact about French toast from musical funny person and funny Twitter guy Eli Braden! What does French toast have to do with John Adams? Nothing–that’s why it’s a Random Bonus Fact. Tcha. As if.
Download by right-clicking the above link. Like you don’t know that.
Remember, all the previous podcasts are here. Hear previous guests like Reggie Watts, Ted Leo, Mary Jo Pehl (MST3K), Bill Corbett (also MST3K), Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings, and Sara Benincasa, or learn some crap about String Theory or Iceland. Whatever.
And don’t forget our Twitter feed, our visually-oriented Tumblr and our Facebook fan page. Lots of Disalmanac to go around! No need to crowd!
Shays’ Rebellion: A Thing That Happened
Remember Shays’ Rebellion? What a time, what a time. Your Aunt Ruth made us all sandwiches, so we wouldn’t get hungry while we were all rebelling.
Now, your Uncle Pete, he got a turkey and cheese sandwich, with a little mustard and that iceberg lettuce. But for some reason, I ended up with tuna salad. Now, I was never a big fan of tuna salad, so I put mine away till later. And well, it was hot that day, and when I finally ate that tuna salad sandwich, well, I started throwing up almost immediately. Not just a little, either. This was full-blown projectile vomiting. And well, long story short, I vomited all over the fellas we were rebelling against, and they got all disgusted and went home to wash their uniforms.
And that’s how we won Shays’ Rebellion. Now go to sleep, because Grandpa doesn’t have any other stories.
Miami: Possibly A City?
Miami, located above the Arctic Circle, is the Land of the Midnight Sun. Polar bears and caribou frolic all summer long on the frozen tundra. Ice road truckers deliver ice roads to all the residents. Putin happily rears his head morning, noon and night.
Of course, winter is a different story. Several feet of snow make travel impossible. Wily glaciers stalk and attack any Miamian who ventures out of their igloo. Of course, most Miami residents avoid this fate by hibernating for the entire winter, curling up with grizzly bears in their cozy caves.
Then in the spring, Miamians and grizzly bears alike awake from their slumber, and, stretching and yawning, blinkingly enter a bright new world. New man-cubs are born (what, you think Miamians and grizzly bears spend all that time just sleeping?) and the cycle of life begins anew in beautiful Miami.
Attila The Hun: A History Guy
Yes, Attila the Hun was the terror of Europe back in the fifth century AD. But really, what did it take to be the terror of Europe back then? People believed in witches and wood nymphs and ogres that lived under bridges. Attila probably took over most of Europe simply by walking around and telling scary stories about trolls and evil leprachauns, and then saying, “Boo!” really loud. Hell, we’re pretty frightened of any sort of leprachaun, and we’re here in the 21st century with you. Most of the time, anyway.
Also, what the heck is a damn Hun? “Hun” is what middle-aged ladies call me when I visit the South. That, and “Sweetie,” and “Sugar” and “Honeybunch” and “Peach Blossom.” We’re pretty popular with the middle-aged Southern ladies, if you know what we mean. Awwww, yeah.
Disalmanac Podcast 025: Denmark (with guest Ted Leo)
This week, you’ll learn all about Denmark. For instance, did you know that Denmark is a delicious snack cracker with no trans-fats? If you did, you’re an idiot, because Denmark isn’t a snack cracker at all. It’s more like a sandwich cookie deal.
And stay tuned for a Random Bonus Fact from Brooklyn indie rocker Ted Leo! If you know where all the rude boys have gone, maybe shoot Ted an email or something, OK?
Download by right-clicking the above link. Like you don’t know that.
Remember, all the previous podcasts are here. Hear previous guests like Reggie Watts, Mary Jo Pehl (MST3K), Bill Corbett (also MST3K), Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings, and Sara Benincasa, or learn some crap about String Theory or Iceland. Whatever.
And don’t forget our Twitter feed, our visually-oriented Tumblr and our Facebook fan page. Lots of Disalmanac to go around! No need to crowd!
The Sinuses: A Really Icky Thing In Your Body
Located in your head, your sinus cavities are filled with disgusting goo. At least, ours are. We’ve had like, one long sinus headache since November. It’s putting all this pressure on our ear; when we flew back from LA we thought our ears were going to explode, the pressure was so bad. We just held our head and screamed in pain–they asked us to leave the plane, mainly because everybody else had already de-boarded a half hour before, and we were still sitting there, holding our head and screaming. Oops. So now we’re not allowed to fly Delta anymore. Thanks, sinuses.
And we’ve been having to blow our nose constantly, and it’s this really thick, yellow mucus that is totally gross. We go through approximately 80 Starbucks napkins a day. We grab napkins at Starbucks because it’s cheaper than Kleenex, and holds up to the thick goo better–it’s tough to make a Starbucks napkin fall apart. And they’re made of recycled paper! We don’t know how Starbucks does it, but thank you.
But yeah–sometimes we blow our nose, and our ear pops painfully, and we’re dizzy for like ten minutes afterwards. Then we have to lean against the wall of the Sytarbucks for several minutes, and everyone thinks we’re drunk. Which we are, usually, but really, it’s the nose-blowing dizziness.
Flounders: Nature’s Flounders
Man, Flounders are ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Damn, Slappy.
We’d like to be able to tell you that while flounders are ugly on the outside, they’re beautiful on the inside. Sadly, we can’t. Flounders laugh at you when you slip on an icy sidewalk. They laugh even more if you break a bone when you do it. And if that bone sticks through your skin, flounders just laugh and laugh and laugh.
Also, flounders will swindle your grandmother out of her life savings. They’ll beat up old men and steal their glasses and dentures. Not their money, just their glasses and dentures. Flounders are fucked up.
You know what else flounders will do? Talk shit about you on the Internet. They’ll call your boss Goebbells, implying that you must be a Nazi if you work for him. You’re just trying to sell office supplies; how does that make you a Nazi? People need dry-erase boards. It doesn’t even make sense. Why would he do that? Because he’s a flounder, and that’s what flounders do.
