Nobody was sure what “It” was, but families nationwide revised their wills to make sure they left It to Beaver. Cash, cars, mansions, speedboats–It all got left to Beaver.
Oh, at first it was fun for Beaver. He was only six years old, so he couldn’t drive all the Rolls Royces and Mercedes being left for him. But he would play for hours in a ball room filled with solid-gold Rolexes instead of balls. And he would play Army Men with marble statues from the Renaissance.
Eventually, people resented Beaver for all his It. He had to go into hiding, and changed his nickname to Mitt.
And that’s everything you need to know about Dwight Eisenhower.
Oh, don’t act so surprised. You’ve seen the evil that’s come out of the Oval office over the years. Rutherford B. Hayes wasn’t even human, but some sort of demon-like hell-spawn beast with red eyes and a thirst for human blood. And, of course, Exhibit B: Dick Cheney.
So when Harry Truman was having a little trouble with Congress, he’d simply throw the Speaker of the House down the hell mouth for an hour or two. When the screaming became unbearable, Truman would let the Speaker out and start negotiating; he usually got everything he wanted. Sure, we lost dozens of House Speakers that way, but dammit, things got done. Man, those were the days.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt was our longest-serving president, taking our country through the Great Depression and the Second World War. Well, really, it was the third World War, and the First World War was the second World War. The actual first World War was the Seven Years War, fought between 1756 and 1763.
The Seven Years War was fought in North America (we call it the French & Indian Wars), Europe, Central America, India, Africa and even the Philippines. Meanwhile, what you so blithely call the First World War was pretty much all fought in Europe. Last we checked, Europe is not the entire world! It’s only one continent, while the Seven Years War was fought in, oh, we don’t know, FIVE continents. World War I sucks compared to the mighty, mighty Seven Years War! All hail the Seven Years War!
And that is everything you need to know about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. We hope you took notes.
Scholars think the Great Depression was caused by a lack of banking regulation, or a dip in the stock market. Truth is, Herbert Hoover caused the Great Depression by listening to nothing but Smiths albums at the White House, 24/7. The whole nation became morose and started cutting. Morrissey was named Secretary of Mopiness. Girlfriends were in comas, and nobody knew how soon now was. It was a dark, dark time.
Once the Great Depression set in, it lasted the rest of Hoover’s administration. Herbert Hoover should have asked his doctor about Abilify, which works with your regular antidepressant to help you through depressive episodes and enjoy picnics with your family while your blue bathrobe mopes around in a nearby lawn chair. Ask your doctor about possible side effects.
You see, Coolidge had a serious gas problem. At his inauguration, he took out the entire Marine Corps Band with a single poot. He killed approximately half of Congress at his State of the Union address in 1925 with a series of noxious air biscuits. Coolidge needed real help.
Sadly, the help he got was to end his life. He saw a quack who promised a quick fix to his flatulence problem–a large, strategically placed rubber cork. Within days, Coolidge exploded with a huge blast, and that’s why they called it the Roaring Twenties.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but he thought the three branches of government were Larry, Moe & Curly.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but you don’t want to know what he thought a “pocket veto” was. Ick.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but he thought the Supreme Court was someplace you played tennis that had extra cheese and double pepperoni.
We’re not saying Warren Harding was dumb, but he thought Teapot Dome was where the Georgetown Hoyas played.
We’re not saying Warren G. Harding was dumb, but he thought the Lincoln Memorial was a cemetery in Nebraska.
Woodrow Wilson was walking with Will Wentz, when Wentz went with Wilson where Warren worked. Warren worked with wood, whistling while whittling. When will Wanda welcome Wes, wondered Woodrow. Wes was weird when Wanda wanted walnuts.
Well, whispered Warren, Will was worried Woodrow would want Wanda without Wes’s wherewithal. Why wouldn’t Woodrow wait with Will while Warren worked with Wanda? Wanda wanted Will, while Woodrow wanted Wanda. Why Wanda? Whither Will? Wouldn’t Wes work?
Will wished Wanda would woo Wes while Warren was whistling. With Woodrow Wilson, Will Wentz went westward with Wanda. Warren worked with Wes, whittling well.
People like to make fun of William Howard Taft because of his weight. This is unfair, as he had a glandular condition (his thyroid produced hundreds of McNuggets daily).
Also, there’s that pesky urban legend that Taft got stuck in the White House bathtub. This is untrue–he actually got stuck in the Oval Office. This is why it’s now oval.
After his presidency, Taft went on to become the Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court. Here’s a man who served his country in perhaps the two highest offices of the land, and here you are, snickering about his weight. You should be ashamed. Without Taft on the bench, who knows how the court would have decided the landmark case Bacon Cheeseburgers v. Chili Cheese Dogs?
Theodore Roosevelt was our 26th president, and the next to last one with facial hair. Why don’t presidents have facial hair anymore? Can you imagine Jimmy Carter with a big, bushy ’70s mustache? Bill Clinton with a Taft-like handlebar ‘stache? George W. Bush with one of those close-cropped frat boy goatees? Reagan with a soul patch? The first Bush with a…well, that’s moot, because he was physically unable to grow a mustache. Poor guy. Always left out of the mustache fun.
And but so also: imagine Gerald Ford with one of those pencil thin, just-above-the-lip mustaches, like the South American villain in an old ’40s film noir? I bet then he would have whipped inflation now. He still would have fallen down all the damn time, though, the klutz.
That is everything you need to know about Theodore Roosevelt.
As you can see by the photo, William McKinley was created by Dr. Frankenstein in his lab from pieces of corpses that his assistant Igor found for him. He was overwhelmingly selected by delegates at the 1896 GOP Convention after Dr. Frankenstein re-animated him with lightning onstage. McKinley then went on to win the general election in a landslide, after killing all his opponents.
McKinley was not a gifted orator, and his 1899 speech “Fire Bad” was highly controversial. But he was a popular president among Americans who didn’t want to get killed by a walking undead collection of corpse parts, and many Americans supported his War On Werewolves.
Sadly, McKinley was assassinated in 1901 by a villager with a torch.