There are two types of eagles. First, of course, there are bald eagles. Bald eagles are the national symbol of the United States, mostly because the US was started by a bunch of bald dudes who were so ashamed of their baldness that they actually thought wearing powdered wigs would help. They did not.
Then there’s the other type of eagle: hairy. Hairy eagles are, well, hairy. They have long hair and crazy ’70s mustaches and unbuttoned shirts that show off their chest hair. They are probably best known for their hit “Hotel California.” In fact, biologists have determined that these hairy eagles actually broke up and became extinct halfway through the guitar solo on “Hotel California.”
There may also be a third type of eagle: the combover eagle, an upsetting hybrid of the bald and the hairy. The mere thought of the combover eagle haunts our nightmares. Let’s all hope that it doesn’t exist.
The symbol of America’s Republican party is the elephant, mainly because a) like elephants, the republican party is gray and wrinkly, and b) like elephants, Theodore Roosevelt shot and mounted several dozen Republicans in the early 20th century. Most of these taxidermied Republicans are on display in the Smithsonian’s Creepy-Ass Stuffed Humans of the Early 20th Century wing.
That’s how we want to go out–shot by somebody famous and then stuffed and mounted. Sadly, the only famous person who does much hunting these days is Ted Nugent. And he’s more likely to turn the Disalmanacarian into beef jerky than a fully taxidermied trophy for a Commie outfit like the Smithsonian. So, Plan B is in effect: build a time machine, go back to 1913, go to Africa and hang out in a lion costume until Teddy Roosevelt comes a long. Help me, Theodore Roosevelt, you’re my only hope.
Oh, also? Elephants have tusks and trunks and are really big and stuff. Just like Republicans (see: Chris Christie).
There are four cricket songs, all used in different situations. They have one chirping song that attracts females and repels males (Adele’s “Someone Like You”), while the courting song is used to quietly attract a nearby female (Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”).
Third, crickets have an aggressive song that repels nearby males (Motorhead’s “Ace of Spades,” which fucking ROCKS, Slappy). Finally, crickets have a post-mating song (“Mr. Roboto” by Styx, which is what all species of animals sing after Doing it).
Some kinds of crickets have other songs–the Pennsylvania forest cricket chirps nothing but Barry Manilow songs; luckily, they are almost extinct. Let’s stamp these annoying, Barry Manilow-chirping bugs out once and for all, don’t we?
For instance, the rhombusfish. It’s a fish shaped like a rhombus! How cool is that? Not very, apparently, because they get almost no attention compared toy our precious starfish.
And there are so many more species of shape-based sea life that get no love from the general public: the parallelogram crab. The triangle lobster. And, perhaps most sadly of all: the fish-fish. It’s a fish that’s shaped like a fish! Can you even begin to imagine the amount of evolution that led to a fish shaped like a fish? It boggles the mind that such a fish-shaped fish could even exist! And yet: nobody gives a shit, saving all their adoration for a fish shaped like a damn star.
You people make us sick.
“Aaaaaapossum” would be too obvious. And “bpossum” looks weird. “Cpossum” sounds like a programming language from 1988.
So, it’s “opossum.” Good job–you’ve moved up one space alphabetically. And what do you get for your supposed cleverness? You get to move ahead of penguins in the dictionary. Penguins, the sworn enemy of all opossums worldwide.
So way to go, opossums. You REALLY stuck it to the penguins. Meanwhile, penguins don’t even give a fuck because they don’t even know the goddamn alphabet.
Well, their woman done left them, and Lord, they feel so bad. We said, their women done left them, and Lord, blue jays feel so bad. If their woman don’t come back soon, they may just go mad.
They been drinkin’ in the daytime, and they been drinkin’ all damn night. Yes, blue jays been drinkin’ in the daytime, and they been drinkin’ all damn night. If their woman don’t come home soon, blue jays may go fly a kite.
What kind of blues song is this, where birds get drunk and fly a kite? Said, what the hell kinda blues song is this, where birds get drunk and fly a kite? Well, blue jays enjoy kite-flying, and playin’ with their Rainbow Brite.
Well, it’s ugly and it’s going to bite you. There’s probably one crawling up your back right now. And it’s going to climb into your hair and lay a bunch of eggs and in a few weeks you’ll have thousands of tiny, snapping beetles in your hair, and you’ll probably freak out and die.
That is everything you need to know about these yucky beetles.
But, either way, grape or strawberry, both kinds of jellyfish are delicious on a peanut butter sandwich! Here’s what you do: Go down to the beach with two slices of bread, one of them slathered in peanut butter. Now, wade into the ocean up to your knees and start looking for jellyfish. When you see one, try to capture it between the two slices of bread. You’ll have to work fast! Those jellyfish are crafty little buggers!
And but so once you capture a jellyfish between your two slices of bread, go ahead and take a big chomp–the grape or strawberry flavor is ALWAYS better when the jellyfish is fresh out of the water. Savor that delicious grape or strawberry flavor, because it’s poison and it’s the last thing you’ll ever eat. And if the grape or strawberry jelly in the jellyfish doesn’t kill you, the fact that it’s stinging your tongue hundreds of times with a hideously evil neurotoxin that will kill you slowly and painfully ought to do the trick.
We know the feeling. Sometimes, we break out in rashes and hives. This usually happens in the middle of the night, and by dawn we too are screaming for ointment.
So if you see a robin, just walk right up to it and rub a soothing salve on its red breast. It will thank you, probably by biting off your finger or pooping all over your new spring jacket that you just got at Target, a steal for $19.99. This is how birds tell you they love you.
Also, if you see us on the street, by all means just walk to us and start rubbing soothing salve on our red breast. We too will thank you by biting you or pooping on you. Because we love you.
And water snakes aren’t the half of it. Lurking just below the surface of many lakes and waterways, you’ll find water buffalo, ready to stampede over you! Blaaaaggghhhh!
Also, you may run into a deadly water tiger, ready to pounce on you while you swim! Unnnghhh! Or a deadly water bear, lurking in the depths until it mistakes your arm for a tasty pi-a-nic basket! Chomp! Eeeeeeeeeee! Or a deadly water wolf, ready to attack you in the water blizzard when you can’t start your water fire! Bluuuuurrrff!
Really, it’s best to avoid ALL water. You’ll be glad you did.