According to the “Twilight” books (which we here at Disalmanac use as our chief reference on all topics), the state of Washington is the home of vampires. Sparkly, annoying teenage vampires. Oh, and they’re all handsome, telepathic and, for some reason, they collect expensive vintage automobiles? Sure, why not?
Oh, and they’re super-fast, too? Sure. Just like in Bram Stoker’s classic book “Super-Speedy, Sparkly, Annoying-Ass Dracula WHo’s All Mopey Because It Rains All The Fucking Time, Jesus, Who Does He Think He Is, Fucking Morrissey Or Some Shit? Lord.”
So, if you visit Washington state, please kick some scrawny, emo vampire butt for us. Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Turns out, Montana’s sky is completely average. Maybe even a little smaller than average. Like many states, it likes to brag about sky size.
Women are often disappointed to see such an average sky after all of Montana’s bragging about how big its sky is, though they usually keep it to themselves. It’s not the size of the sky, they say, it’s the motion of the clouds.
But why all this braggadocio about sky size, anyway? Montana is clearly overcompensating for its smaller-than-average sky. Obviously, Montana has some issues vis a vis insecurity.
What’s Montana so insecure about? We may never know. Perhaps it was teased mercilessly in gym class in junior high school. Perhaps Montana wrestles with feelings towards other states that it’s not ready to admit.
But one thing’s for sure: if you want a state with a really massive sky, go to Arkansas. Their sky’s so huge, it’s actually painful without proper lubrication.
The Disalmanacarian was only seven years old when North and South Dakota separated. We didn’t understand it–didn’t they still love each other? Sometimes, they explained, two US states have to be apart for awhile.
We stayed with North Dakota at home during the week, and got to see South Dakota at its new place every weekend. It was a small, cramped apartment. The place was a mess. Dirty dishes were everywhere. We usually just ended up watching TV the whole time.
Then one weekend, we went to South Dakota’s place and there was another state there. This is Idaho, he said. She’s going to be your new mommy! We ran crying from the room and wanted to go back home.
Of course, now that the Disalmanacarian is older, we understand, and we’re very close to both Dakotas, Idaho, and Manitoba, who North Dakota is now very happy with. But it was rough to process all this stuff as a small child. Luckily, years of Adlerian therapy and loads of Prozac (not to mention six months in a Skinner Box) have helped, and we hope by telling our story we can help those who survived the breakup of the Carolinas and Virginia and West Virginia. You’ll get through this! We promise.
How is this even possible? It’s a question that has stumped all the great philosophers. The Ancient Greeks believed one could never think about North Dakota: one would get halfway to thinking about North Dakota, then halfway again, and again, but never actually reach the finish line of thinking about North Dakota.
John Locke believed the brain was a tabula rasa, a blank slate one could never write “North Dakota” on. Meanwhile, Descartes believed, “I think, therefore I am. I think about North Dakota, therefore I am not.”
Kierkegaard theorized that to even think about North Dakota was to experience “existential despair.” And it was Nietzsche who put forth the idea of “will to power”–that we will ourselves to never think about North Dakota.
Of course, it could be that nobody ever thinks about North Dakota because it is phenomenonally, unbelievably dull. We may never know the true reason.
The truth is that Colorado is the Centennial State because it was only meant to be a state for one hundred years. That’s right–Colorado hasn’t been a real state since 1976.
But instead of declaring their independence and becoming the proud nation of Colorado, Colorado instead pretends like it’s still a state: voting in presidential elections, sending senators and representatives to Congress, singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” before ball games (instead of Colorado’s official anthem, “Rocky Mountain High”). They just refuse to go away and live on their own, even though it’s been over with Colorado for 36 years now.
And the sick thing is, the US fosters this dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship by LETTING Colorado pretend to be a state, even encouraging this belief. It’s time for BOTH the US and Colorado to go into couples counseling and learn to let go. Just let go. You’ll be glad you did.
You see, Nebraska has taken the cost-saving measure of outsourcing their entire state government to an office park in the suburban Chicago area.
Sadly, Nebraska is not saving nearly enough money, and will soon move its entire state government to a call center in Bangalore. Nebraska residents who want to renew their drivers licenses will have to pay thousands for an airline ticket, travel to a DMV in India, and stand in line for many, many days, maybe even weeks, until their number (“Do sau saat!”) is called. Oh, did we mention the tens of thousands of dollars it will cost to ship your car to Bangalore and back to have its emissions tested?
But it will be worth it, for all the time and money Nebraskans will save.
Nearly all the sex workers at Nevada’s legal brothels are over fifty feet tall (as required by law), while erstwhile Las Vegas performer Celine Dion has turned into a giant monster called “Celinezilla,” picking up tourist busses and slamming them back down on the Vegas strip with impunity. Caesar’s Palace now charges twenty-five bucks for this “ride.”
Nevada is also home of Area 51, where conspiracy theorists claim the United States government supposedly keeps space aliens and tests their strange spacecraft in the desert skies at night. Actually, the truth behind Area 51 is much more mundane: it’s where Bigfoot rules the entire planet with his hairy iron fist. See? Doesn’t that make more sense than space aliens? We bet you conspiracy theorists feel preeeeeeety stupid right now!
This week’s Disalmanac Podcast is all about Minnesota. Find out the truth about those 10,000 lakes, before it’s too damn late!
And stay tuned for a Random Bonus Fact about the Internet from the amazing Dave Hill: comedian, story-teller, musician, and author of the popular new book “Tasteful Nudes.” Spoiler: the nudes are SO tasteful! You won’t believe it!
Download by right-clicking the above link. Like you don’t know that.
Remember, all the previous podcasts are here. Hear previous guests like Reggie Watts, Ted Leo, Mary Jo Pehl (MST3K), Bill Corbett (also MST3K), Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings, the British band Clinic, and Sara Benincasa, or learn some crap about String Theory or Iceland. Whatever. Just download ‘em all: it’s like four years of college in a few hours!
And don’t forget our Twitter feed, our Facebook fan page, and our new book-writin’ blog over at Cowbird. That’s right–the Disalmanac book is coming out in 2013 from Perigee/Penguin, so try to learn to read soon, OK?
West Virginia is coal country. The state animal is coal. The state bird is coal. The governor is a bag of coal. The state song is “Workin’ in a Coal Mine,” except they’ve changed every word in the song to “coal,” so it now goes: “Coal coal coal coal coal coal, coal coal coal coal, coal coal coal coal coal coal, WHOO! Coal coal coal coal coal coal.”
The whole fucking state is nothing but fucking coal. And as West Virginians say, “Coal coal coal, coal coal coal coal.”
Did you ever like, look at your hand, man? I mean, like REALLY look at your hand. Like, these lines in my hand–what if they’re a map to another universe, left by ancient astronauts? Check it out–like, this puffy part up by my pinky, that’s our solar system, right? And these lines like, represent other galaxies and shit, and like, my thumb, that’s a whole other universe, outside our universe, and there are like, billions of other universes, because everybody’s got like, two thumbs. Whooooaaaaaa. Far out.
Shit, did someone just knock on the door, man? Is that the cops? Shit shit shit. Act cool, man, act cool. And that’s everything you need to know about Kansas.