Mercury: It’s Like A Planet, Only Smaller

Now that Pluto is no longer considered a planet, Mercury is by far the smallest planet in our Solar System. When our Solar System was forming billions of years ago, the other planets would shove Mercury in its locker, give it wedgies, and draw penises on its forehead with a Sharpie before it had to give a book report in second period English. But now, Mercury is the closest planet to the Sun. Who’s laughing now, suckers?

Here are a few facts about the planet Mercury. Take notes; these will be on the test:

  • The planet is named after the Roman god of getting your head shoved in a toilet after sixth period Chemistry.
  • Mercury is only 36 million miles from the Sun. If you were standing on the surface of Mercury right now, you would need to be wearing approximately SPF 30 trillion.
  • A year on Mercury only lasts 88 days, which means that stores there never get to take their Christmas crap down. Even worse, Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime” has been playing continuously since 1978.
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