Charlemagne: So He Was A Famous Guy, I Guess

Charlemagne became King of the Franks in 768, when he invented a hot dog that plumps when you cook it. From there, he conquered much of Europe, becoming Emperor of the Romans, the Burger King (which he ruled from his White Castle), King of Pain, and, briefly, Miss Italy in the Miss Universe pageant of 789 (he lost to Miss England, St. Thomas Aquinas).

Charlemagne is credited with being the Father of Europe, as he helped forge a common European identity: listening to crappy techno music, smoking little cigarettes and complaining about Americans.

Charlemagne also conquered the Goths, mostly by cranking up some Skynyrd and Molly Hatchet, sending the Goths scurrying back to the safety of their Cure albums.

After his death, Charlemagne was made a saint for performing the miracle of somehow keeping his beard free of lice and fleas in the middle of the damn Dark Ages.


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