Skin: You Probably Have Some

Skin is very important–without skin, all your organs and crap would fall out. And you know what? I’m not cleaning that up. Because: yuck. Seriously, I have WAY better things to do than mop up your intestines just because you forgot your damn skin today. Jesus.

Skin has other functions as well: sensing hot & cold, protecting you from the elements, and coaxing you into seeing that awful R-rated movie you don’t really want to see, but you hear Megan Fox is naked in it for like, half a second. That is the power of skin.

Another function of skin is to regulate your body temperature through sweating. But sweating really grosses people out, so try to never, ever sweat. Oh, you may die of heat exhaustion, but at least you won’t have offended anybody. At least not from sweating. Your breath, however, is another story. Please, shove about 12 breath mints in your mouth as ASAP as possible. You’re killing us here.

Some people have dry skin; some people have oily skin. Some people have saggy skin that leaks. Still others have skin that shoots spider webs from the wrists. That is SO COOL. But if he was bitten by a radioactive spider, I mean, don’t spiders shoot web stuff out of their butts? That wouldn’t make as good a movie, and that’s why everyone needs skin.

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