Andrew Jackson: Not Properly House-Trained

Andrew Jackson was nicknamed “Old Hickory” because most of his head was whittled out of a single block of oak. He lost his original head in a freak tobacco-spitting accident. Nobody could tell the difference.

Here are a few things you’d better know about Andrew Jackson, or there’s going to be trouble:

  • Having lived his entire life out on the frontier, Jackson wasn’t used to niceties such as indoor plumbing. Often during Cabinet meetings, he often had to excuse himself to “go water the Rose Garden,” or “deliver a major address on logging. You know what kind of logs I’m talking about. Poop. I’m talking about doing a huge, hurkin’ poopy right outside this window.”
  • In the War of 1812, Jackson led American troops to victory in the Battle of New Orleans by offering the British army strings of beads if they would “show us your tits.”
  • Andrew Jackson was the first president to ride a train, though he had to be coaxed onboard with a huge slab of raw venison. And then he stuck his head out the window the whole time.
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