Massachusetts: Another State? Jesus, How Many Of These Things Are There?

In November of 1620, the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts, because hey, starting a colony in Massachusetts as winter sets in? Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Seriously, once you got the Mayflower to Massachusetts, you couldn’t turn the ship south and sail until you found somewhere warm and nice, like the damn Bahamas? Anyway, somehow some of the Pilgrims survived that first winter, and today Massachusetts is all proud of the idiots who first settled there.

Here are a few things you should know about Massachusetts:

  • In 1621, Squanto took Pilgrim leader Miles Standish to see Native American leader Chief Chickatawbut. The meeting went poorly when Standish kept saying, “You know what? Chicatawbut.”
  • The largest city in Massachusetts is Boston, which is located just below a giant, guitar-shaped hovering spaceship that says BOSTON across the front.
  • In 2004, the Boston Red Sox won their first World Series since 1918, shaking off the Curse of the Bambino, a hex put upon them by a baby who could do voodoo. Who knew a baby could kill a chicken with its bare hands? And that zombie Babe Ruth was pretty scary, too.
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