Jamestown: A Planned Retirement Community

In 1607, England sent about 100 of their laziest and unsharpest aristocrats to take over the entire North American continent. They started the Jamestown colony in Virginia, and immediately got to work; a year later, only 39 of them were still alive, and the period known as “the starving time” hadn’t even started yet.

Of course, maybe there wouldn’t have been a “starving time” if a) they hadn’t tried to farm in a swamp, and b) they’d sent along anyone with a little farming experience, instead of a bunch of spoiled, rich landed gentry dudes.

And yet somehow, improbably, these few plucky settlers managed to piss off the local Native Americans–maybe because they kidnapped the chief’s daughter Pocahantas and forced her to marry a British guy even though she was only 14. So that’s not sketchy or anything.

How this tiny band of nitwits and sex criminals took over this continent is still a mystery, but here we are.

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