Albuquerque: A City

Albuquerque is located in the middle of nowhere, in central New Mexico. This may seem inconvenient, but actually it’s for your own safety: decades of nuclear tests in the area have turned most Albuquerque residents into chupacabra-like mutants, bizarre goat-like creatures with razor-like teeth and a thirst for human blood.

Here are a few things you need to Albuquerque, assuming you want to stay alive:

  • Albuquerque’s population is approximately 78% chupacabra, and 22% victim.
  • The chief industries of Albuquerque include a growing sense of dread, mutilated cattle that foreshadow your own certain doom, and high-tech products.
  • Albuquerque’s tourism slogan is “In the desert, nobody can hear you scream.”

One more thing to remember about Albuquerque: never, ever go out at night, especially if you’re a scantily-clad 19-year-old girl whose boyfriend has just mysteriously disappeared.



  1. Mike

    You failed to mention the sopapillas at Garcia’s on Central Ave. are exceptional. Other than that, this is as accurate depiction of Albuquerque as I have ever read.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s