Albuquerque is located in the middle of nowhere, in central New Mexico. This may seem inconvenient, but actually it’s for your own safety: decades of nuclear tests in the area have turned most Albuquerque residents into chupacabra-like mutants, bizarre goat-like creatures with razor-like teeth and a thirst for human blood.
Here are a few things you need to Albuquerque, assuming you want to stay alive:
- Albuquerque’s population is approximately 78% chupacabra, and 22% victim.
- The chief industries of Albuquerque include a growing sense of dread, mutilated cattle that foreshadow your own certain doom, and high-tech products.
- Albuquerque’s tourism slogan is “In the desert, nobody can hear you scream.”
One more thing to remember about Albuquerque: never, ever go out at night, especially if you’re a scantily-clad 19-year-old girl whose boyfriend has just mysteriously disappeared.