Albuquerque: A City

Albuquerque is located in the middle of nowhere, in central New Mexico. This may seem inconvenient, but actually it’s for your own safety: decades of nuclear tests in the area have turned most Albuquerque residents into chupacabra-like mutants, bizarre goat-like creatures with razor-like teeth and a thirst for human blood.

Here are a few things you need to Albuquerque, assuming you want to stay alive:

  • Albuquerque’s population is approximately 78% chupacabra, and 22% victim.
  • The chief industries of Albuquerque include a growing sense of dread, mutilated cattle that foreshadow your own certain doom, and high-tech products.
  • Albuquerque’s tourism slogan is “In the desert, nobody can hear you scream.”

One more thing to remember about Albuquerque: never, ever go out at night, especially if you’re a scantily-clad 19-year-old girl whose boyfriend has just mysteriously disappeared.

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2 comments

  1. Mike

    You failed to mention the sopapillas at Garcia’s on Central Ave. are exceptional. Other than that, this is as accurate depiction of Albuquerque as I have ever read.

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