Venus: What Gives?

Venus, the second planet from our Sun, is covered by a thick layer of clouds, completely concealing the surface below. What is Venus trying to hide, anyway?

Well, now it can be revealed: Venus is Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location.

Cheney’s Venutian compound/resort covers most of the surface of the planet and includes hundreds of thousands of hunting blinds where he can shoot dudes in the face anytime he desires. Within his vast estate, one can find his man-sized safe, where he keeps the real George W. Bush (not the robot version that was president of the United States; you can tell because the real Bush absolutely detests manual labor such as brush clearing, and would never fall off a Segway like a dumb-ass).

But, you may be asking, how does Dick Cheney travel back and forth from Venus to appear on Meet The Press and shoot people in the face on our planet? Like chipmunks, Cheney travels via the Trans-Time Dimensional Bridge, which has prematurely aged him (he is only 26 years old!). This is also why his heart was removed–it would explode in the Time Chopper if left within Cheney’s evil, evil body. Though that would probably happen eventually anyway, due to the evil, evil nature of his body.

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