The Pilgrims And The First Thanksgiving: Pass The Damn Butter, Already

We’ve written previously about how those idiots the Pilgrims started a colony n Massachusetts as winter set in. But did we talk about the first Thanksgiving? Oh, man.

The food was a complete disaster. The Pilgrims made a pie with peanuts in the crust, even though the Wampanoags had told them like, a million times that Massasoit was allergic. Worse, Massasoit forgot his auto-injector and swelled up as soon as someone mentioned peanuts. Plus, the Wampanoags brought mashed potatoes, and everyone knows that the Mayflower Compacr states, “Stuffing, Instead Of Potatoes.”

Things got worse when everyone sat down to eat. Myles Standish wanted everyone to hurry so he could get back to watching the game, because, “Dammitte, I haveth five pelts of fine beaver fur on the Lions.” This made Roger Williams cry out, “I slave away in a hot kitchen all day, and this is the thanks I get?” and then run weeping from the table. Squanto chose this moment to announce that he had had an important personal revelation and wanted everyone to address him as “Barbara” from now on. The Pilgrims and the Wampanoags then started chucking biscuits and sweet potatoes at each other. Jonathan Smith said, “I shalt not cleaneth this shit up.”

Everyone was glad when the meal eventually ended, which is still true of Thanksgiving meals today.


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