Napoleon: You Know, That Guy

In the aftermath of the French Revolution, Napoleon was able to take over as emperor of all France–mainly because he’d been too short to reach the guillotine.

Soon, he led his armies to victories all over Europe, though he had to spend a fortune on Eurail passes for his men. But when he tried to take Moscow, his troops were decimated by the winter weather and crappy Russian landlords who would never return their calls about the busted furnace or dead body in the lobby.

In 1814, Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba, where he spent his days training the goats and chickens to be a fearsome army. The next year, Napoleon was able to return to power, but was decisively defeated at the Battle of Waterloo. The British thought “Waterloo” was Abba’s greatest song, while Napoleon insisted on “Dancing Queen.” Clearly, the British were correct and Napoleon was exiled again, this time to the faraway island of Saint Helena.

Napoleon would die in Saint Helena, but not before training the local waterfowl in the use of small arms and bayonets.


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