Kentucky: I Guess it’s A State, Too

Kentucky is not only home to the Kentucky Derby, but also the Kentucky Bowler, the Kentucky Fedora, and the Kentucky Kangol. People in Kentucky are really, really into hats, is what we’re saying. Maybe a little TOO into hats: while their children starve alone at home, Kentuckians are out inventing new sorts of hats (such as the Lego Beret) and fashioning tiny hats out of twigs and moss to dress up the heads of squirrels and marmots. The people of Kentucky have a real problem with hats, and desperately need some sort of intervention and hat rehab program.

Here are a few facts about Kentucky that you’ll need to memorize by tomorrow:

  • Kentuckians feel they were robbed at last year’s Hat Party, when South Carolina won Grandest Hat Of All with a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. NASCAR gimme cap covered in logos for Crest toothpaste, Coca-Cola and Federal Express.
  • Nobody knows why the people of Kentucky are so hat crazy, but scientists have theorized that Kentuckians have bizarre, random bald spots due to heavy moonshine consumption.
  • The state bird of Kentucky is the cardinal. Many young Kentuckians hollow out cardinals and wear them as dashing hats.
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