Chicago: A City And Stuff

Chicago is known as the City of Broad Shoulders, the Windy City, the Hog Butcher to the World, the Second City, and Lord knows what else. Clearly, Chicago is suffering from multiple personality disorder and needs to choose just one damn nickname. Pick one, Chicago. We’ll wait here.

Here are some important facts about Chicago:

  • Chicago was home to many gangsters during Prohibition in the 1920s, including Al Capone, Legs Diamond and the most feared of all, Staci Jenkins.
  • In the early 1970s, Chicago was not just a city but a pretty solid rock band. Every citizen of Chicago was required to play in the band Chicago, with the horn section alone consisting of over 1.5 million residents. Sadly, they totally sold out when they started letting Peter Cetera write all those sappy-ass ballads, like “If You Leave Me Now” and “Sappy-Ass Ballad.” Why Mayor Richard Daley didn’t step in and have thousands of dead people vote Cetera out of the band remains a complete mystery.
  • Today, Chicago’s mayor is Rahm Emmanuel, whose snappy campaign slogan “Fucking Fuck Fuck” inspired a downtrodden city.
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