Mars: Oh God, Another Planet

We used to think Mars was so cool, until we saw the documentary film, “Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.” Now we know the Martians are a bunch of bumbling idiots who let Santa Claus conquer them. Santa Claus is just one elderly, overweight guy, and he doesn’t even have any weapons. You know who else could have conquered the Martians? Any random old man with a heart condition and diabetes, armed with a butter knife or a spork. Jesus, Mars. Get it together.

Here are a few more facts about Mars:

  • Also in the movie “Santa Claus Conquers The Martians,” all the Martians eat “food pills.” These are actually just Vicodins, and the Martians gobble them down by the handful. No wonder Santa was so easily able to conquer Mars. If we’d known Mars had such a huge painkiller addiction, we would have conquered them eons ago and gotten them on that show “Intervention.” The old guy with the mustache would have gotten their collective ass into rehab in no time.
  • In the movie, Martian kids are portrayed as watching Earth’s TV programs. We’re pretty sure this is a huge copyright violation, and the networks need to sue Mars’ ass right now. If Santa can conquer them, they are certainly no match for an army of industry copyright lawyers.
  • Another thing about the movie “Santa Claus Conquers The Martians:” in the theme song, it’s spelled S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S, but it’s pronounced “Santy Claus.” What the WTF?  This is why American kids are now the dumbest in the world.

One comment

  1. Kimball Kinnison

    Cinimatic Titanic did a version of this.
    “Santa saved us from Martians! Yea!”
    “This movie is over! YEEEEA!”

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