Woodchucks: Nature’s Woodchuck

Did you ever look at John McCain’s lumpy, misshapen face and wonder what kind of animal lives in there? Us too! Turns out, John McCain’s face is packed with woodchucks. Generations of woodchucks live and die inside the aged Arizona senator’s  face, causing all those weird-ass bumps that seem to constantly move about and shift.

Here are some facts about woodchucks:

  • How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? As much as it can get toss out through John McCain’s mouth. Be careful if you ever meet him face to face; you’re likely to get a two-by-four right in the schnozz.
  • The real reason McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008? Access to Alaska’s massive forests, which would feed the thousands of woodchucks living in McCain’s face for nearly twelve years.
  • The woodchucks that live in John McCain’s face have controlled his every action since the 1950s. He crashed his plane in Vietnam because the woodchucks spotted some tasty bamboo below.
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