The Boston Massacre: A Thing What Happened

On March 5, 1770. British troops fired on the massive, guitar-shaped spaceship that has hovered over the city of Boston since 1637. The spaceship responded by blasting “More Than A Feeling” at the British. The British attempted to respond with some Foghat, but Boston’s awesome guitar solos and rocking vocals from Brad Delp were too much for them.

Here are a few more facts about the Boston Massacre:

  • The British got off easy: the spaceship could have blasted “Foreplay/Long Time” at them. Nobody has ever survived that shit.
  • Military historians have long questioned the British troops use of Foghat. Surely, Led Zeppelin would have been much more effective, or some of the deeper album cuts from ’70s era Pink Floyd. We’ll never know how history might have been different if the British had only used Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin'” against the massive Boston spaceship.
  • Though we do know that it could have been even worse for the British–they’re just lucky they didn’t try to respond with some Jethro Tull.
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