Turtles: An Animal, Kind Of

Turtles are those things with the shells, right? Or are they the ones with the big red claws? No, I think those are lobsters. But maybe turtles do have big red claws–we don’t know what they’re hiding in those shells. Maybe some sort of howitzer or shoulder-mounted missile launcher. Clearly, turtles are a menace to national security and must be wiped out at once. They may be instruments of al Qaeda, or worse.

Here are a few more facts about turtles:

  • My cousin’s best friend’s Little League team-mate’s older brother saw under a turtle shell once. He said there was all this electronic shit under there–probably some sort of guidance system for a turtle-based missile defense system.
  • You know who you always see at gun shows, looking to buy AK-47s and shit, is turtles.
  • Turtles are well-armed, but tortoises have their own navy and Air Force. Watch the skies and seas!

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