Colorado Springs: Something Like A City

Colorado Springs is–surprise!–located in Colorado, by some springs. Brilliant, Colorado Springs. This is the equivalent of calling Chicago “Illinois Lake,” or Omaha “Nebraska Nothing.” Hey, maybe next time you get to name a city, you’ll come up with a cooler name, like “Turbo Jet Overdrive Warp” or “Des Moines.” Losers.

Here are some facts about Colorado Springs:

  • So, the springs in Colorado Springs? That’s where we get over 90% of the nation’s supply of both paint thinner and Diet Rockstar.
  • Though seriously, if they added caffeine and taurine to paint thinner? I’d drink that shit over Diet Rockstar, we tell you what.
  • Though we’d probably drink like, Newt Gingrich’s urine over Diet Rockstar, and Newt Gingrich’s urine probably doesn’t have taurine in it.

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