Columbus, Ohio: Like A City

Columbus is named after Christopher Columbus, even though the closest Columbus ever got to Columbus was like, fucking Jamaica or some shit. Why not call Columbus, say, Gandhiville? Because I’m pretty sure he never set foot in Ohio, either. Or maybe Einstein City, or Spongebobopolis. Hell, call it Disalmanac, because we’re sure as shit never going to a city named after a dude who was never there.

Here are some facts about Columbus:

  • Of course, Columbus isn’t the only state capitol named after somebody who never set foot in the city. Madison, Wisconsin is named for US president James Madison, while Indianapolis is named after Rick Indianapolis, a fictional TV private eye from the hit show, “Indianapolis: Dick After Dark.”
  • Columbus is one corner of an area of the Midwest known as “The Boredom Triangle.” Thousands have disappeared mysteriously in it, never to be heard from again. Some of them are found living in their parents’ basement, leaving crude, misspelled comments on YouTube videos of kittens.
  • Tourist attractions in Columbus include nothing, nada and bupkus.
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