Ferdinand Magellan: Explorer Or Something

Ferdinand Magellan was the first man to circumnavigate the globe. He said he was just going out for cigarettes, but when he didn’t come home for five years, his wife and children started to suspect something was up. His wife’s attorney tried to sue for divorce and get child support, but he was apparently on a big ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Imagine–his wife and kids, struggling to get by, and Magellan’s taking a fucking cruise. What an asshole.

Here are a few more facts about Magellan:

  • And did he come back for his son Luigi’s high school graduation? No, he was exploring some tropical island with his friends. Jerk.
  • And without a strong father figure around, Magellan’s daughter Jennifer started running around with a fast crowd and “partying” every weekend. She ended up running away from home at 15. We last heard she’d been arrested in Barcelona on drug charges.
  • And Magellan’s youngest son, Magellan Jr., dealt with his pain by eating. By fourth grade, he already weighed 225 pounds. Meanwhile, his father’s off in Tahiti, drinking rum from a coconut with a topless island girl. Typical!
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