Rutherford B. Hayes: Another Dumb President

Oh, I suppose now you’re going to tell us that Rutherford B. Hayes was a president of the United States? You can’t fool us, Slappy. There was no such person.

How do we know? First, there has never, in the history of ever, been a person with the first name of “Rutherford.” Look it up! “Rutherford” is totally a Spammer name. Do you really believe we had a president back in the 1880s who ran on a platform of cheap penis enhancements? OK, considering we almost had Donald Trump running for president, that probably could happen. But still.

Here are a few more facts about Rutherford B. Hayes:

  • Since Rutherford B. Hayes is clearly a fiction, then you may ask: Who WAS our 19th president, anyway?
  • Historians now believe we did not actually have a 19th president. After Ulysses S. Grant’s drunken reign, the American people said, “We need a break from this whole president thing for awhile.”
  • So for a while, we casually saw other sorts of leaders, and had a string of one night stands with kings, emirs and prime ministers. But something was missing. We felt empty inside, and we eventually went back to having presidents.
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