The War of 1812: A Thing That Happened That One Time

Contrary to popular belief, the War of 1812 did not occur in 1812. It happened in 1930–that’s when the year 1812, lying in wait the whole time, attacked the United States, plunging us back to a time of powdered wigs and horse-drawn carriages and all that other 1812 crap. Eventually, the year 1978 came back to 1930 to defeat the evil year 1812. But now we’re cursed with stuff from the ’70s remaining popular forever. We hope you like “Come Sail Away” by Styx, because it’s not going away anytime soon, Slappy.

Here are a few more facts about the War of 1812:

  • Our national anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner,” was written during the War of 1812. We almost replaced it with a new national anthem during the 1980s, Europe’s “The Final Countdown.”
  • But then, we discovered the band Europe was actually FROM Europe, which, you know, huge scandal.
  • Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” was proposed as a compromise, but was ultimately rejected when Journey’s video for “Separate Ways” hit the news shows, and everybody laughed and laughed at the keyboard guy miming playing the keyboards so badly.

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