Hamsters: Nature’s Gerbils

Yes, hamsters look cute and fluffy. But look out! Not only do they have sharp tiny teeth and little pointy claws, but most hamsters are armed with an M32 grenade launcher and believe me, they are not afraid to use them.

Many hamsters have already upgraded to even more powerful weapons, such as the shoulder-mounted surface-to-air missile launcher. Even a baby hamster is likely has at least a switchblade or worse–remember that “Don’t tase me, bro” guy? He was being attacked by a litter of newborn hamsters.

Why are hamsters so heavily armed? It’s due to their long-running war against guinea pigs, who are currently attempting to refine uranium to kick-start their nuclear program. Once guinea pigs get the Bomb, we are all screwed, not just the hamsters, because guinea pigs have serious rage issues and just hate everybody. They need REAL help. Avoid guinea pigs and hamsters at all costs.

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