The Big Bang: A Theory, Hypothetically

Through history, there have been a number of theories regarding the origins of the universe. Ancient Sumerians believed that the universe was carried on the back of a giant turtle. And while this turns out to be true about the giant turtle, where did the universe come from? And what does the turtle eat?

Astronomers now believe that every bit of mass in the universe was condensed into one spot, probably somewhere in Hoboken. But at some point in the distant, distant past (like, say, the 1920s) all of this matter suddenly exploded, creating the universe we know today. Why wasn’t the giant turtle hurt in this explosion, which contained all the energy in the universe? Duh, it has a shell, hello?

What proof is there of a Big Bang? Everything in the universe appears to be moving away from everything else in the universe. And while to me this proves the existence of agoraphobia, to astrophysicists this means there was once a giant explosion.

But what caused the Big Bang in the first place? Let’s just say: if you see a giant turtle on your flight, call Homeland Security, pronto.

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