Hair is what happens when hundreds of thousands of tiny anuses on your head all poop at once. Yes, if you run your hand though your lover’s hair, you’re running your hand through their fecal matter. That’s disgusting! Stop doing that! You’re grossing us out!
Yes, Americans spend billions each year on shampoo and conditioner, just to make the shit coming out of our head shinier and to give it more bounce. We don’t do this with the crap that comes out of our butts–who wants that shit all shiny and bouncing around? Yucko!
Our advice: cut all your hair off NOW, and shave your head at least three times a day, or you might as well rub raw sewage on your damn head, you disgusting hair-head.