Alabama: Another Damn State

Alabama is the first state alphabetically (although for a brief period in the 1960s, AAAAAAAAAAANebraska was listed first in the Yellow Pages). This is ironic, because the alphabet still hasn’t arrived in most parts of Alabama. Instead of words, Alabamans speak to each other in whoops and grunts, and by saying “Whoooooo! NASCAR!” a lot.

Alabamans eat at Waffle Houses, or go out into the swamps to shoot and kill their own waffles. Most homes have a stuffed waffle mounted over the fireplace. Most parts of the waffle are edible, but do not eat the poison sac! You’ll swell up to the size of a double-wide trailer home.

Speaking of double-wide trailer homes, millions of tornadoes hit Alabama each year. Why Alabama? Meteorologists believe Alabama is located in an area known as “Get The Fuck Out Of There, You Morons, You Get Hit With Millions Of Tornadoes Every Damn Year.” But who really knows for sure? Perhaps God, who clearly has Alabama to keep chuckin’ tornadoes at it.


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