Jacksonville: This Is A City? Whatever

Jacksonville is named after singer Janet Jackson, who discovered Jacksonville while on her 1989 Control Tour. She claimed the land for the Jackson family and soon, Marlon and Tito and other, lesser Jacksons like Biff and Arnold settled there. They were followed by other, even lesser Jacksons like Squeamy and Ingeborg.

But Janet returns every summer for the big Wardrobe Malfunction Festival, which brings in thousands of tourists from around the world hoping to catch a brief glimpse of part of a breast. Jesus, people, get a life.

While the city is officially named Jacksonville, residents who are nasty are legally required to call it Miss Jacksonville.

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