The Russian Revolution: Something That Happened

In 1917, Russia’s Tsar was deposed, followed shortly thereafter by the Czar, the Tzar, and the Tzzzzzccccsssar. The monarchy was ultimately replaced by a Communist government led by Vladimir Lenin, who read “The Communist Manifesto” back in college and thought it sounded like a good idea. And so Russia became the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR for short, U for even shorter).

Land and factories were forcibly taken from the wealthy, and then forcibly given to the peasants whether they wanted them or not. Agriculture became collectivized, industry became collectivized; even sitting around drinking vodka until 4AM became collectivized by the Soviets. Soon, the Soviets came up with their first Five Year Plan, which included such goals as “lose 20 pounds by next bikini season,” “learn to knit,” and “start taking accounting classes in the evening at the community college.”

To achieve these ambitious goals, the Soviet government often turned to violence. The disloyal were purged from the Communist Party, the Red Army and Joseph Stalin’s Wednesday night book club. Millions died (Stalin had a HUGE book club), plus nobody lost that 20 pounds and everybody looked like crap when bikini season came around. Especially Stalin. Damn, Slappy.

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