Benjamin Harrison: Another Damn President

Benjamin Harrison was our 23rd president, but you might know him better by one of his other names: Kris Kringle, Santa Claus, or that right jolly old elf.

Harrison defeated Grover Cleveland in 1888 by promising that all good voters would get toys. But soon, there were problems: several government agencies were soon spying on US citizens in an effort to find out who was naughty and who was nice, with naughty children sent to Guantanamo for “enhanced interrogation.” Americans were also required by law to leave out cookies and milk at all times, just in case Harrison stopped by. Entire mountains in West Virginia were strip-mined to get at all the coal needed for the naughty.

But the final straw for voters was when Harrison mandated the playing of Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime” around the clock, seven days a week. Millions of Americans simply went insane; the rest threw him out of office in 1892. Harrison soon returned to the North Pole to spy on children worldwide.

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