Reconstruction: A Thing That Happened

After the Civil War, the South was devastated. Abraham Lincoln said, “Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. Better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster.”

And so Reconstruction began. The South was outfitted with a bionic eye that could see Waffle Houses over ten miles away. Then, it was given a bionic arm, so it could eat waffles like, really fast. And then, bionic toenails. Why? No one knows. It was probably a clerical error.

Soon, the South was indeed as Abe Lincoln promised: better, stronger, faster. Sadly, it would still be racist as fuck for another century.


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