The Spanish-American War: A Thing That Happened

The 1890s was a dark time in our nation’s history. All of the Spanish-Americans in the US wanted to fight a war, but nobody wanted to fight against them. The German-Americans said nein, the Irish-Americans were passed out in the gutter, and the Franco-Americans were little cans of Spaghetti-Os.

Since nobody in the US wanted to fight the Spanish-Americans, the Spanish-Americans all went to Cuba to fight whoever was around. That turned out to be future US president Theodore Roosevelt, who became famous for charging up San Juan Hill. What they don’t tell you is that he was charging away from the Spanish-Americans, who were, as Roosevelt once said, “some crazy mofos. They had guns and stuff. I was just in Cuba on vacation, and now this.”

Eventually, the war ended somehow, and now we have tapas bars.

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