Helium: Another Stupid Element

Helium is second on the periodic table, which makes it the Buzz Aldrin of elements: no one cares what it said when it took its first step on the periodic table, and it once beat up a guy who said the periodic table had been faked by the US government and Stanley Kubrick.

But unlike Aldrin, helium doesn’t have a cool nickname like Buzz. How much cooler would helium be if it was “Snake,” or “Machete?” Or better yet–“Snake Machete!” Nobody would ever fuck with helium if it were called Snake Machete. Plus: we’d probably already be up to the fourth or fifth Snake Machete movie (starring Nicolas Cage) by now, because who wouldn’t pay cash money to see “Snake Machete: Element of Action” movie? We’re already writing a screenplay:

INT: Post-apocalyptic garage. SNAKE MACHETE is beating the crap out of ARGON and XENON.

ARGON

Urrgghhhhh!!

XENON

Ooooooff!!!

SNAKE MACHETE

NOW who’s a noble gas, bitches?

This screenplay will clearly win every Oscar ever, and that’s why Snake Machete is the best element ever.

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