Bears will fuck you up. If you ever see some bears out in the woods, RUN. Run like the wind. And then keep running. But don’t go home–they know where you live. You’ll need to change your name, move to a new town, and start a new life. And even then the bears will probably find you; they have a tremendous sense of smell, plus a nationwide network of private detectives, all of whom are hot on your trail, Slappy.
You may think you’re safe by skipping out of the country, and going to live in Mexico or Thailand or someplace. Guess again–the bears WILL track you down. Oh, it may take fourteen, fifteen years. But bears are tenacious. And when they find you, oh, they’re eating you. Alive. They eat you alive so you can watch yourself being eaten until you pass out from pain and blood loss. Yes, it’s messed-up, but so are bears.