At your next party, try this nifty parlor trick. Carefully remove one of your eyeballs (“carefully” is the key word here). Then, throw it at the floor as hard as you possibly can. Now, you might think it would go ker-splat, spewing eyeball juice all over people’s clothes and cheese-and-crackers (really? You’re serving cheese-and-crackers at your party? Have you not discovered those little hot dogs you can get at Costco? They are the shit, Jackson). But actually? Your eyeball will bounce around the room like a superball. This is because your eyeballs ARE superballs.Come on, try it! You won;t be disappointed. But don;t do both eyes at once, or you won’t be able to see how cool it is, you nimrod.
If you ever lose your eyeball, just go to a grocery store vending machine and get a new one. We’ll wait here.