Milwaukee: City-Like, To Some Degree

Milwaukee is the largest city in Wisconsin. And unlike neighboring Michigan, every single one of Wisconsin’s trees is the wrong height. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Why, look at all the freakish trees in Milwaukee. Many are disturbingly short, at about four inches in height. Little kids can and do mow them down. Some are ridiculously tall, measuring up to eleven miles tall. The giant leaves of these trees destroy several nearby suburbs every autumn. So many will die.

Weirdest of all, some trees in Milwaukee have a negative height–they grow into the ground, with their roots exposed to the air. In the fall, their leaves dig their way UP to the ground, creating all these annoying holes in your yard and your driveway. Accursed negative-height trees!

Our advice to Milwaukee: go steal some of Michigan’s perfectly heighted trees. Your devil-spawned wrong height trees are an embarrassment to the entire nation.

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