Beryllium: An Element, We Guess

Beryllium is the fourth element on the periodic table of the elements, which we find suspicious. Have YOU ever heard of beryllium? No, of course not. No one’s ever heard of beryllium. So why is it number four on the periodic table, ahead of popular elements like oxygen, carbon and Cylon?

We’ll tell you–bribery. The Russian mob paid some pretty big bucks to the Periodic Table Commission, and provided plenty of blow and hookers, too. It’s the same as Atlanta, of all places, getting to host the Summer Olympics–the Russian mob paid big bucks for that shit, too. What was in it for them? The Russian mob REALLY likes that gymnastic event where the gymnast dances around with that ribbon on a stick, and they were willing to pay ANY price to see Ribbon on a Stick in Atlanta.

Oh, we see what you’re asking–why Atlanta, and not somewhere more Russian, like Moscow or that one bodega on Queens Boulevard in New York City? Everyone knows that Atlanta is the world headquarters for many Russian mob operations, like Coca-Cola, and the Weather Channel. Oh, did we mention the Ryssian mob controls the weather, too? So, yeah: beryllium.

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