Nitrogen: Another Dumb Element

Nitrogen composes nearly 80% of the Earth’s atmosphere, yet you never hear anything about it. Sure, oxygen gets all the press because all life on Earth depends on it, or some crap. And carbon is the Joker to oxygen’s Batman. Carbon and oxygen, always fighting, always hogging the spotlight. What does that make nitrogen, then?

Think of nitrogen as the atmosphere’s Commissioner Gordon. Nitrogen works all day in an office, and goes home at night to his two cats and its DVR full of “Lockup” specials on MSNBC. Nitrogen likes the one where the woman is called Cornbread, because that’s what her husband was eating when she killed him. In fact, nitrogen prefers the “Lockup” specials about the women’s prisons, mainly because the ones about mens prisons make it feel uncomfortable about its sexuality. Nitrogen doesn’t tell anyone about this, though, and goes back to its office the next day to deal with that drunkard, the Police Chief, and to occasionally call oxygen with the Oxygen Signal–which it wouldn’t even have to do if the Police Chief did his damn job and kept carbon in prison. Why is that so hard?

Nitrogen just wishes it could go away somewhere, or be a commissioner in a town where crime is not fought by elements wearing tights that have questionable relationships with wispy young masked men, since nitrogen prefers the beefy, scarred bodies of the male prisoners on “Lockup,” though it would never tell anyone that.

No, nitrogen is just not ready to come out of the closet yet, which is why you hear so much more about the other elements in the atmosphere.


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