Uvula: An Icky Thing In Your Body

You know what your uvula is, right? It’s that thing that hangs down in the back of your mouth. But why is it there? It serves no purpose. It doesn’t help you breathe. It doesn’t help you swallow food. It doesn’t help you play the harmonica, or make out with a Kardashian, or any go the other dozens of things you will probably do with your mouth in your lifetime (making out with a Kardashian is kind of like jury duty–someday, you’ll get the call, and you’ll be legally required to do it).

So: what’s with the uvula? We hope you’re ready. Your uvula is filled with spider eggs, and at any moment it might burst open, filling your mouth with thousands of tiny spiders who are hungry and ready to eat your entire head–especially your eyeballs. They suck out all the liquid and then chew on the corneas and rods and cones. Then they eat your entire brain and pop out of your head–it looks like when that guy’s head explodes in “Scanners,” but with spiders. Hairy ones.

So, our advice is to remove your uvula immediately. Just cut it out with a butter knife or something. You’ll be glad you did.

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