The fact is, oxygen shelled out BIG bucks to become Earth’s official gas. That kind of sponsorship deal does NOT come cheap–oxygen reportedly paid upward of two million bucks for a longterm, all-inclusive deal. Under the terms of the contract, all life on Earth MUST breathe oxygen–if you’re found breathing other gases, you could go to jail. Also, you are NOT allowed to download bootleg oxygen from the Internet–they have that shit copyrighted, Slappy. But, there are benefits, like oxygen’s super-cool ads during the Super Bowl every year–last year’s included Tom Hanks and a talking dog. SO funny! Of course, if you didn’t find it funny, you could also be arrested. Oxygen’s contract with the Earth is REALLY strict.
So, even though gases like nitrogen are more healthful, and gases like helium are funnier, and gases like hydrogen have a delicious, bacon-y flavor, we are stuck with breathing oxygen until at least the year 3515. Oxygen: it’s the real thing!