American history runs through the veins of Philadelphia. It is home of the Liberty Bell, which has an enormous crack in it. Philadelphians say they don’t know how the crack got there, but we’re on to you, Philadelphia. We know you brought the bell to Jamie’s kegger and that everyone was doing shots off it. And we know someone (Jamie) pushed it into the pool. Now, none of these things would have actually cracked the Liberty Bell, but it does show a pattern of behavior. You can’t be trusted with nice things, Philadelphia.
It’s not the first time. Remember that time you dropped Ben Franklin and he shattered into a million
pieces? You glued him back together before Mom & Dad got back from Orlando, but let’s face it, Ben Franklin was never the same after that. He looked like shit and his “Poor Richard’s Almanack” started to feature increasingly dubious advice like “Dog pudding veranda slippers.” What the hell does that even mean? This is your fault, Philadelphia. You’re why we can’t have nice things.