Teeth: They’re In Your Yucky Body

More specifically, teeth are generally located in the mouth. If you have teeth elsewhere, either see your doctor or write, direct and star in your own series of horror movies.

Although, let’s face it–teeth, even in your mouth, are already a real horror show. They’re just sitting there in your damn mouth, rotting all the time, and being eaten by tooth-eating bacteria and shit. And you use that mouth to kiss your grandmother? Gross! Stop kissing your grandmother! Seriously, we think it’s against the law in several states.

Plus, teeth get all yellow and crap from smoking and coffee and whatever else you’re shoving in your damn mouth every day. They look like something dead. Yuck.

Here’s what we did: we had all of our rotting, yellow-y, corpse-like teeth removed and replaced with chainsaw blades that can grind a mouthful of food down to mulch in less than half a second. It is SO COOL. Loud, but wicked awesome. Solid titanium–these babies will never rust or get a cavity. And they stay sharp forever–all you need to do is oil ’em up once in a while, and you’re good to go. We actually used our chainsaw teeth to eat an entire deciduous forest in central Ohio. YUM!

So: teeth. Yeah. Good luck with that mouthful of rotting bones, Clyde.

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