Apollo 12: Another Damn Moon Thing, Apparently

Launched less than four months after Apollo 11, the historic mission that put the first men on the moon, nobody gave a shit about Apollo 12.

People were all like, yeah yeah, seen it. Whatevs, Slappy. Yawn. I’m a blasé 1969 person, hello. Why can’t we cure the common cold, instead? I’m hungry. Do you have any snacks besides Tang and Space Food Sticks? Because: been there, done that. Derpa derpa derp.

But these people missed out on a fascinating lunar mission. Commander Pete Conrad became the first person to juggle on the moon, while Lunar Module Pilot Alan Bean (along with his marionette pal, Mr. Boofers) became the first person to do ventriloquism on the lunar surface. This put science (and ventriloquy) ahead by at least fifty years.

But no, blasé 1969 people are all like, oh, we’re not watching another boring moon landing, we’re going to Woodstock because Jimi Hendrix will light his guitar on fire. Yeah, well, we’d like to see Mr. Jimi Hendrix do that on the moon. Have you ever seen a guitar burning on the moon? No, because there’s no goddamn atmosphere which means you can’t light ANYTHING on fire, you fucking nimrod. Jesus. And did your precious Mr. Jimi Hendrix ever do any moon juggling? Didn’t think so, Jackson.


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