Pittsburgh: Another Damn City

Pittsburgh is located at the confluence of three rivers: the Ohio, the Monongonongmonganongahela, and the other one.

Currently, Pittsburgh is trying to get even more rivers to relocate there, offering the world’s major rivers sweet tax incentives. The Columbia River is scheduled to relocate to Pittsburgh in 2013, with the Thames and the Rhein to follow in 2014. Pittsburgh is set to announce a major trade soon, that will bring the Amazon to western Pennsylvania and send Brazil the Ohio River and some draft picks.

But: Why does Pittsburgh want all these rivers? They have a plan in Pittsburgh. An eeeeeeevil plan. They have caused global climate change in order to make water more precious than gold. Then, they plan on selling the world their water for outrageous sums: one million dollars for a small bottle of Poland Springs! Bwahahahaha!!!

What, when Pittsburgh has all the money in the world, will they do with it? They will attempt to buy their father’s love. And they will fail. Sad, really. But that’s Pittsburgh!


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