The Battle of Bull Run: A Thing That Probably Happened

My Dearest Eliza–

It is well that war is so terrible, else we should grow too fond of it. Although, people are fond of the damnedest things. Like licorice. That shit tastes like ass. I apologize for my salty language, my dearest Eliza. It’s just that I have strong feelings about licorice.

Sometimes, during battles, I pretend that my enemy is made of licorice, and that licorice is trying to destroy me, my family, and our entire way of life. I don’t have to pretend very hard–licorice is, after all, an abomination to God, liberty and motherhood.

But I am afraid I may have taken my licorice hatred too far, my dearest Eliza. With a like-minded platoon of good, licorice-hating men, we have split off from our army to fight the REAL enemy: licorice. Wherever licorice is, we’ll be there to destroy it, and to destroy the people who aid and abet licorice.

It will be a long fight, my dearest Eliza, but someday, I promise I will return to you in a licorice-free world.

Yours without licorice,

General Ulysses S. Grant (drunk)

PS: I think the South won the Battle of Bull Run, on penalty kicks.


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