The Small Intestine: Gross!

Your small intestine may be small compared to your large intestine, but it’s really quite immense: over 300 miles long, and over 5,700 feet tall in places. It’s like the Rocky Mountains, except all squishy and full of bile, half-digested food and parasites. It’s rugged terrain, so only attempt to scale your small intestine with a certified professional mountaineer/gastroenterologist.

One question we are often asked about the small intestine: since it’s over 5,700 feet tall, am I in the Mile High Club if I “do it” with somebody on top of my small intestine? The answer is a resounding YES. Get up on that small intestine and go to town! But: practice safe small intestine sex. You don’t want to end up with a tapeworm, do you?

Tapeworms are bad news. Because of the vast size of your small intestine, tapeworms often grow to the size of the sandworms in “Dune.” So that can kind of ruin the mood (the mood of “doing it”). Not to mention: chunks of rotting Big Macs you ate when you were nine are still in there, stinking the place up. Come to think of it, the small intestine is simply not very conducive to “doing it,” Mile High Club or no. Just go to Denver. Fewer giant tapeworms. But: ancient rotting Big Mac smell. But again: only downtown. The suburbs smell fine, usually.

And you don’t even want to know about your large intestine.

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