Elephants: Nature’s Elephants

The symbol of America’s Republican party is the elephant, mainly because a) like elephants, the republican party is gray and wrinkly, and b) like elephants, Theodore Roosevelt shot and mounted several dozen Republicans in the early 20th century. Most of these taxidermied Republicans are on display in the Smithsonian’s Creepy-Ass Stuffed Humans of the Early 20th Century wing.

That’s how we want to go out–shot by somebody famous and then stuffed and mounted. Sadly, the only famous person who does much hunting these days is Ted Nugent. And he’s more likely to turn the Disalmanacarian into beef jerky than a fully taxidermied trophy for a Commie outfit like the Smithsonian. So, Plan B is in effect: build a time machine, go back to 1913, go to Africa and hang out in a lion costume until Teddy Roosevelt comes a long. Help me, Theodore Roosevelt, you’re my only hope.

Oh, also? Elephants have tusks and trunks and are really big and stuff. Just like Republicans (see: Chris Christie).

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