The Rocky Mountains: An Earth Thing

The ironic part is, they're not even made of rock. They're all styrofoam and glitter and Elmer's glue and crepe paper.Let’s face it: “Rocky Mountains” is a stupid, stupid name. It’s like naming an ocean “Watery Sea,” or your baby “Fleshy, Tiny Human.”

You don’t think a kid named “Fleshy, Tiny Human” is going to get shoved into lockers every damn day in junior high school? You don’t think Fleshy, Tiny Human is going to either a) need years of strict Adlerian psychotherapy as an adult, b) pull some serious “Boy Named Sue” shit on his parents when he grows up, or c) will essentially grow up to be a fucking asshole rock star a la Axl Rose? You don’t think Fleshy, Tiny Human won’t pull some prima donna shit when his band Assbutt refuses to go on after Metallica has a terrible accident onstage, causing a huge riot? And then later, Fleshy, Tiny Human will get seriously ill-advised cornrow hair implants instead of just going bald like a normal, well-adjusted dude would do, and he’ll throw his guitar player Stab out of the band, even though Stab’s the only actual talented dude in Assbutt, and everyone will hate Fleshy, Tiny Human for fucking up the best metal band ever and 20 years later when he finally releases the long-delayed new album, it’ll suck and by then no one will even give a shit anyway and Fleshy, Tiny Human becomes a hermit, a hermit with horrible cornrows which look even stupider now that he’s like, pushing 50.

The point is, we need to change the name of the Rocky Mountains before they go through this Fleshy, Tiny Human shit. We suggest a cool, manly name, like Jigsaw or Crunch. Or: the Fucking Awesome Mountains. Call us, Rockies. Do not call us, Fleshy, Tiny Human.

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